Oil Well Doesn't End Well

Last week, Republicans came out full force to blame the BP oil spill cleanup on Barack Obama. Newt Gingrich went on Greta Van Susteren to say it was Obama's "dereliction of duty." Karl Rove wrote an op-ed for the Wall Street Journal calling the disaster "Obama's Katrina," where he played footsie with his teeth again. Sarah Palin inferred that the President dragged his heels because he had been bought off by campaign donations from the oil companies. I think that one got a different reaction than Palin had anticipated.

It's quite different for Frank Rich to make the same analogy towards the PR blunder of the Bush administration resulting from its early hands-off approach towards Katrina's destructive path. If you're Rich, you believe that the federal government has a role in trying to solve big problems that we can't solve as a nation of individuals, and that's largely where his criticism comes from in both cases.

But if you take away that full deck of cards and replace it with a Republican hand, it's obvious that conservative political ideologies when applied towards this catastrophic oil spill are just a bluff. When Republicans lay down their cards on what should be done, they've got nothing: everything goes against their philosophies of smaller government, less regulation, and lower taxes. So, let's ask them the hard questions:

1. Should we make government bigger?

Many conservatives have blamed the government for not acting quickly enough in sending help to contain and clean up the spill. Is the government too small? Maybe we should create the Department of Oil Spill Containment, an agency that is on alert 24/7, 365 days a year to lend a hand in case another oil spill occurs.

I am in no way trying to say we should regulate the oil industry or try to heavy-handedly stop oil spills from happening again, just trying to make sure the government will be ready. In other words, what happens at an oil well in the gulf, stays at an oil wel...err, the motto needs more work.

2. Or should we raise taxes?

Should we create a magical oil-catching net to be cast into the gulf to prevent such oil spills from spreading, since we don't want to overregulate the industry on the front end? It would have to be thousands of miles long and it will have to stop the oil but somehow still let ships through. It's a new science and it's going to be expensive to research. It might involve laser beams, it might not. Hell, I don't know how it'll be done, but we're Americans! We can do anything if we open up our wallets.

But if we're going to have a balanced budget, we're going to have to raise taxes to pay for this magic net, which usually costs at least a pot 'o gold. And gold is very expensive, just ask Glenn Beck. Maybe we could have a choice of colors. Americans would definitely text their vote in on something that important.

3. Or should we become socialists?!!!

If Obama can only do so much without interfering with a private company's business, he's going to have to take control of that company, isn't he? And you know what that means! Socialism! One of the drawbacks of the government owning BP is that US citizens would probably have to get a dividends check for being part owners, kind of like the Permanent Fund Dividend in Alaska, another socialist program. And if there's one thing every American hates, it's a check in the mail and being on the government dole.

4. Or should we not do anything at all (aka the Libertarian plan)?

Shouldn't we let the oil companies do whatever they want? We don't want to overregulate. This is America! Everyone has the right to sue. Let the courts handle it.

So Louisiana and Mississippi and Texas and Alabama and deep sea fishing tour companies and seafood companies and diving tour companies and beach resorts and anybody else whose business is screwed by an oil spill could sue to reclaim damages. We're a capitalistic society, and business is important. So if your livelihood is threatened, you have the right to take your case to court. But that means we're going to need more lawyers. Oops, Republicans hate lawyers.

Speaking of, don't think you can just file your frivolous lawsuit because nobody wants to buy your version of blackened shrimp...we're going to have to cap damages. So even if you lose your shrimp business, maybe you'd get a settlement of, say, a Chick-Fil-A coupon.

Moderate conservative views in the Republican Party are being replaced with a lack of common sense. Battered and bruised by several major stumbles over the past few years only has added to a disastrous incompetency of a two term President that they can't seem to shake. Getting hit upside the head by their own strained ideologies only keeps breaking open the scab. They're back to bleeding again, and, like the Deepwater Horizon leak, they can't seem to stop it.